The Shoebox

The shoebox
is where i keep you now

you have become, but a distant memory
you were once
flesh
tangible
but now you are photographs
that will turn yellow and
curly around the edges
over time

and i promise to take them out
to look at them
every once in awhile

and i will cry as i remember
you
how you were a part of me as i was a part of you
how you saw me as i saw you
how i knew you
felt you
as you lay dying
i held on to you
i could not bear to watch myself
let you go
even as you let go of me
i held on as though you were mine

but you had to go
although i knew you couldn't stay
i didn't say goodbye
i just closed my eyes
and you drifted
away

goodbye, then
i will always love you
i will always remember
how i was a part of you as you were a part of me
how i saw you as you saw me
goodbye for now
i will always love you

The shoebox
is all i have of you

In the autumn on the ground,
between the traffic and the traffic and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons while a north wind blows through
I watch as lovers pass me by
Walking stories - whos and hows and whys
Musing lazily on love
Pondering you
I'll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell

When it's time to walk that way, we wanna walk it well

I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting till we're ready, till it's right
Love is waiting

It's my caution not the cold
there's no other hand that i would rather hold
The climate changes,
I'm singing for the strangers about you
Don't keep time, slow the pace
Honey hold on if you can
the bets are getting surer now,
that you're my man

I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting till we're ready, till it's right
Love is waiting

I could write a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again
and like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart.

I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting till we're ready, till it's right
Love is waiting


Brooke Fraser, Love Is Waiting

Back

fuhh...its good to be back!

My feet are killing me! somehow the muscle on my ankle got pulled (i don't know how, or why)...and now it hurts.

Time has flown by, doesn't seem like three weeks have passed since our last paper on the 9th. Have had a good three weeks in quiet (ok, not quiet in the silent sense, but quiet away from all the noise i'm used to, and all the noise i've depended on).

thank You, Lord for giving me the break i asked for.

He has given me time away to quiet my heart and mind that has had so much traffic going on unmanaged for so long, i've lost track of what really matters and took the wheel myself. He knew i needed to be away to think, get my thoughts back in order.

thank You, Lord for not giving up on me and bringing me back.

I read somewhere in My Utmost for His Highest once, that God will reach even to the furthermost parts of the universe (which is only big relative to us, but not to Him because He made the universe) to bring us back to Him.
And i feel that this is what He has done for me, or rather has been doing for me. He's reached out and saved me, and now He's done it again....reached out to bring me back to Him.

For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in His shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16)

If only we wouldn't keep forgetting His wonderful love, that sent His only Son to suffer and die for our hope. Its not about being 'religious', nor is it about being 'Christian' or 'fanatical' or 'the holy type'.

Its about the fact that we were all perishing hopelessly in the hopelessness of our lives, heading for hell and condemnation. We aren't all murderers, rapists or robbers, but we are liars, back-stabbers and prideful, and we all know that we cannot live on our own capabilities. We know one day those we love most dearly will disappoint us, and we know we will one day disappoint them. We are in desperate need for someone to save us.

I was in desperate need for someone to save me. I was, a long time ago, and i was three months back. My friends and family were wonderful, but only Jesus can heal and fulfill completely.

Which is why God sent us a Savior. Do all of you who are reading this, Christian or not, know this? That God loves us, me and you so very much, that He would not let us perish in our own hopelessness and sin, that He sent One whom He loved most, His own son, His only Son to suffer and die in our place?

And that because Jesus conquered even death, He died and then He rose again and is alive, we too have conquered death in its hopelessness, sorrow, anguish and despair and He has given us abundant life - life full of hope, peace beyond even our understanding, joy and strength in the darkest places. His perfect love drives out all fear.

If you don't know Him, find Him! Its not some item on promotion you can do without, He is the Saviour of, not just mine, but our souls...all of us. And if we don't return to Him, we would have lost our very lives, our very purposes.

Thank You, Jesus, lover of my soul.

O Father of all Comfort,
I rest my weary soul in Thee
Let there be none i desire more
Than what Thy will desires in me.

Negara di bawah bayu

Am on in betweens (between Sabah-just got back today, and mission trip-leaving for Philo on Thurs). Before i leave for my next escapade, here's a gist of beautiful beautiful Kota Kinabalu as i experienced it :

Kota Kinabalu Welcomes You




















Praveen and his Sentra that seats 5 and allows squat space for one (1) - thanks for bringing us around Praveen!










Praveen's 3 room temporary apartment that fits 6 (or more), has two (2) toilets and three (3) mattresses, one (1) table, one (1) tatami mat and one(1) guitar for furniture. Oh, and one (1) washing machine that came later.











Kota Kinabalu was Jesselton before it became Kota Kinabalu.

Boats and beaches












































We packed for winter (to climb Kinabalu) but went swimming everyday.











Gunung Kinabalu from a distance (was rainy season, so we didn't get to climb as planned)






















Seafood galore! - watch this video of a fish going crazy (was taken at the seafood restaurant where we ate the dishes shown above) I wonder what happens if one eats psycho fish!

























This is a real toad preserved, and made into a bag. Disgusting!





















Sabah i love you

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at MagMyPic.com

Goodbye Cruel World!

will be away the whole month, goodbye world.
This is my break.

woh!

arrgghh,,pixels pixels, make it look not nice! grainy...i can't see Joel! -.-

Anyway, United is bacckk!! and since i've no STPM this time round, i've no excuse not to go!
(not that STPM got in the way last year la - i did pay for it with my Bio paper tho)

GTpj, RM50/-, 28 May 2008 - (the day before PPBC's church camp)

Who's going?
Who's going?

Dr. Mahathir has a blog - www.chedet.com

Random - read la, if you want.

Everyone's talking about the Malaysian Dreamgirl. Cindy was it?Dreamgirl this, dreamgirl that. I was in One U yesterday with Sheng and Suki, they had a shoot there, but i didn't stay to watch - was late for dinner.
Sheng says one of them dreamgirls are from our school one.

Well, I forgot what her name was, but...go Taman SEA! heh.

Why call it Dreamgirls tho? Dreamgirls are Jen Hudson, Beyonce and the other poor thing didn't get an award singer. Should just call it Malaysia's Next Top Model la. Want to copy might as well go all the way.

ah well...if i had a camera, i'd probably have taken pictures at one U yesterday and i would probably blog about them too. Haha. But since i don't, kutuking them is all i can do.

yes, i'm a very sorry case.

I was thinking. i think i should sign up to join F1. What must one do to race in F1? must audition and stuff one r?
I'll tell you why before you call me perasan.

You see, i have this mini collection (by mini i mean, five in all) collection of miniature cars. I got the first of them from a KFC chicky meal (it wasn't called chicky meal then, nor is it now i think) when i was eight. Its a vintage convertible...no brand one la of course...it's from KFC la.
I liked it so much i made Papa go back four other times to get me four more chicky meals so i could have four more vintage convertibles. (they're all in different colours)

Thus began my deep longing to be able drive one day.
(of course, at this point many things have come along the way that have snuffed out the flame of this longing)

But i was thinking, I drive to uni twice a week, and most of the time (if not much traffic la), I make it there in half an hour. (thats cos thats how much my Saga can do, if i got Ferrari, then..fuhh.)
I've always liked Daytona.
Could i make some money out of this?

Ahh...just a thought.

You know what i want? I want a camera...now that my k750i is gone (*sniff* that one also they wanna take!) I have none!
I keep taking out my phone, forgetting that my trusty 2.0 MP Sony is gone, like yesterday is gone, only to come to cruel reality that in my hand is a Nokia-I-dunno-what-model.

This is a lesson for me not to be so materialistic.

Today Ed, Yohan and I cleaned our *home* - (its not what it sounds ok, we're going to be housemates next semester on la, and Michelle, she's the other housemate couldn't make it today)

Btw, Happy Anniversary, Mr & Mrs. See!

Our brand new shoplot :) It took us FIVE hours (including dinner and ice-cream la) to get it swept, mopped, wiped (polished in Ed and Yohan's case who did the toilet bowls - thanks guys :)). We unwrapped all the new plastic covered furniture we got and arranged them in the rooms.

After all that was done, we sat back and talked about goldfish and steamboat. What fun :) Thank You Lord for our place. God Bless our home.

And now, i'm hungry. Toodles ;) ....

oooh, p/s : gossip girl is the new DH!! heh

The Pain of Rejection

Thanks, Jules, for sharing this with me thru email. It really spoke to me. How wonderful our God is.

Jesus, Friend of sinners, thank You for loving me.

=============

A hundred years ago a man's experience of desolation gave birth to a hymn which has been for me and for many the balm of heaven. George Matheson went blind shortly after becoming engaged. His fianc¨¦e broke the engagement.

Perhaps there is no more bitter loneliness than that of rejection. Not only must one learn to do without someone he had come to feel he could not live without, but he must endure dagger-thrusts to the heart, such as: You deserved to be rejected. You are not worthy to be loved. You will never be loved. Who would want you? You are condemned to loneliness forever.

Fear and anger arise. If I turn to God He might reject me. How can I turn to Him anyway? He could have prevented this from happening. What else is He likely to do to me?

The devastating conclusion is reached: I am alone.

Matheson's grief, instead of turning to bitter resentment against the lady who had caused it, was transformed. Totally transformed. These profound and simple words show how that happened:

O love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in Thee;
I give Thee back the life I owe,
That in Thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O Light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to Thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in Thy sunshine's blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to Thee;
I lay in dust life's glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

What, exactly, did Matheson do? He gave back his life, restored the light of his life, opened his heart, laid down life's glory. That spells surrender, which can only come of trust.

His blindness and rejection proved to be for George Matheson the very means of illuminating the Love of God. He may have asked the age-old question, Why?, but God's answer is always Trust Me. Matheson turned his thoughts away from the woman he had lost, away from the powerful temptations to self-pity, resentment, bitterness toward God, skepticism of His Word, and selfish isolation which might so quickly overcome him, and lifted up his "weary soul" to a far greater Love ¨C one that would never let him go.

In the words, "I give Thee back the life I owe" Matheson understood that there was something he could do with his suffering. It was the great lesson of the Cross: surrender. If Jesus had been unwilling to surrender to humanity's worst crime, humanity's salvation would have been impossible. But at Calvary the Lord of the Earth surrendered Himself into the hands of evil men. Yet, paradoxically, no one took His life from Him. He laid it down of His own will, offered Himself to the Father, "poured out His soul unto death," became broken bread and poured-out wine for the life of the world. We live because He died. The power of the Cross is not exemption from suffering but the very transformation of suffering.

Christianity is not a complete coverage insurance policy. Jesus suffered, "not that we might not suffer," wrote George MacDonald, "but that our sufferings might be like His."

The way of the Cross for George Matheson was heartbreak. God's power could have spared him that, but God's love chose instead to give him something far more precious than the happiness he had lost ¨C the Oil of Joy. God gives that oil to those who need it, to those who mourn. Its price in other words, is mourning. If he had not entered the lonely wilderness, George Matheson would not have found His sweet treasure. Would you say the price of that was too high? Your answer depends on where you set your sights ¨C on the short range or the long one. Think what Matheson would have missed. Think what the world would have missed had he been given the form of happiness he hoped for. Denied that, he looked for something better. God never denies our heart's desire except to give us something better.

With what misgivings we turn over our lives to God, imagining somehow that we are about to lose everything that matters. Our hesitancy is like that of a tiny shell on the seashore, afraid to give up the teaspoonful of water it holds lest there not be enough in the ocean to fill it again. Lose your life, said Jesus, and you will find it. Give up, and I will give you all. Can the shell imagine the depth and plenitude of the ocean? Can you and I fathom the riches, the fullness of God's love?

In the blindness, Matheson must have thought a great deal about light.

O Light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to Thee.

A flickering torch ¨C must he sacrifice his single source of light? He yields. When his heart "restores its borrowed ray" what happens? In place of his own dim torch he is given God's "sunshine blaze".

Because the thing that he longed for, the joy of his life, was gone, he cried out in desperation to another joy, to the Source of joy itself:

O Joy that seekest me through pain.

I wonder if, for a moment or two, he might have felt as I sometimes do: I will not relinquish this misery, not right now. God has taken away what I most wanted. I have a right to feel sorry for myself. I have been wronged. I will refuse, for a while at least, any offer of comfort and healing. Don't speak to me of joy. You pour salt in my wounds. Let me lick them for a while.

If any such quite natural thoughts entered Matheson's mind, God understood, for He too had been a man. In His mercy He helped him to put them away and to write,

I cannot close my heart to Thee.

That is the response of a humbled heart, one that admits its poverty and recognizes the gentle Love that waits, the Joy that is seeking him precisely because he is in such pain that he can hardly seek anything but death. Then, although he is blind, he sees with the eye of faith, and what he sees, through the mist of his tears is a rainbow. He comes to believe that the promise is true: Tears are not forever. There will be a morning without them. His faith lays hold of the promise and, mysteriously, he finds that pain has been exchanged for joy. If he had closed his heart and indulged his feelings, he might have found some miserably meager happiness, but he would have forfeited the joy.

"If God loves me, He'll make me happy." Well, yes and no. Happy isn't the word, really. It's joy, a far better thing. Not sentiment, not mere "feeling good", but something that can never be taken away.

Love, Light, Joy. There is yet something else that the God who is Love and the Father of Lights and the Source of all Joy wants to give him. It is the Cross. Will he accept that? It can always be evaded, but if it is, the result is endless loss. His answer:

O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from Thee.

By this time he understands what he would be rejecting. With both hands, as it were, he takes it, says YES, surrenders, lays everything he holds dear ¨C "life's glory" ¨C down in the dust.

And what happens? Is that the end of the story? No. A thousand times No. Out of that sterile dust springs a miracle:

And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

To Zion

Unsure of what the balance held
I touched my belly overwhelmed
By what I had been chosen to perform
But then an angel came one day
Told me to kneel down and pray
For unto me a man child would be born
Woe this crazy circumstance
I knew his life deserved a chance
But everybody told me to be smart
Look at your career they said,
"Lauryn, baby use your head"
But instead I chose to use my heart

Now the joy of my world is in Zion
Now the joy of my world is in Zion

How beautiful if nothing more
Than to wait at Zion's door
I've never been in love like this before
Now let me pray to keep you from
The perils that will surely come
See life for you my prince has just begun
And I thank you for choosing me
To come through unto life to be
A beautiful reflection of his grace
See I know that a gift so great
Is only one God could create
And I'm reminded every time I see your face

That the joy of my world is in Zion
Now the joy of my world is in Zion
Now the joy of my world is in Zion
Now the joy of my world is in Zion

Marching, marching, marching to Zion
Marching, marching
Marching, marching, marching to Zion
Beautiful, beautiful Zion

Lauryn Hill